COURSE REVIEWS

Missing Links: In Search
of that Special Someone

By Reid Champagne,
The Washington Golf Monthly

While we know the game of golf is generally a communal activity, we are well aware that there are golfers for whom the camaraderie and companionship the game offers most of us, are not always there for them.

Who has not felt the tug at his or her heart to see the specter of a lone and lonesome onesome making his way from the course back to the parking lot. Never mind that the parking lot is where the onesome happened to deposit his drive off the first tee, it’s still an image that perhaps leaves one in a plaintive state.

Even when that lone golfer is crouching to try and play his ball from the undercarriage of a Tercel or Festiva, you feel the urge to reach out and try to connect with him in some way.

Our attempt here is to merely provide a forum for those who wish to make that connection - either before they spiral into total despair or are held liable for damages to the mufflers, tailpipes, or differentials of certain economy cars.

We have divided responses into appropriate categories, and a legend is provided for the convenience of our respondents.

LEGEND:
B: Bald or Balding
P: Potbellied
C: Cigar chewing
B,P, and C: You’ve Got No Chance
KSSB: Knuckle-Scraping Silver Back
SFGW: Supportive, Fair minded Golf Widow
YLB: Young Lithe Blonde
20’s: mid-to-late-50’s at least
NH: Nagging hausfrau
CT: Clubthrower
NSU: Never Shuts Up
SWE: Shanker with excuses
DBB: Divots as Big as Beaver pelts.
IPR: Insufferable Pre-shot Routine
SACC: Self-Appointed Color Commentator

MEN SEEKING WOMEN

B,SWE, 20’s: Seeks YLB (former Miss America contestant s, circa 1995 preferred) for companionship, sharing, and lifelong commitment, except on weekends, league nights, and annual roadtrips to Myrtle, Scottsddale, Ireland, and Hawaii. No NH need apply!

Full-figured KSSB with a ready wit, a solid 24 handicap, DBB, and a slug of 401(k) retirement money in the bank, seeks self-conscious female with low self-esteem, no goals, and solid record of poor judgment in choosing men to build my confidence, so I can conquer the yips from 4 feet. Possible L-T romance if I win my flight in Club Championship.

NSU, SWE, IPR seeks YLB for caddying, club and shoe cleaning, homemaking, bill paying, child rearing, excuse making, bread winning, as well as for all ornamental over-the-arm appearances at annual club awards ceremonies. Must be willing and able to function with little or no rest. No pre-nups!

WOMEN SEEKING MEN

I am a 50’sh SFGW, and certainly no NH, who is seeking a male who knows how to treat an appreciate a good woman. He can be a B,P, and C for all I care, as long as he remembers where his home is, not like the last KSSB, who was never home on weekends, league nights, or those so-called “pilgrimages” of his to God-knows-where.

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I mean, is a little dinner once in a while, some flowers on Valentines Day, and not referring to our anniversary as the day “Woods took the lead for good at the ’97 Masters” too much to ask. Well, if it is, than would the editor kindly move this add to the WOMEN SEEKING WOMEN section.

YLB seeks bodyguard for 24-7 protection from B, P, and C’s who, when they’re asked “which part of ‘No!’ don’t you understand?”, just look at you like some KSSB. Mid twenties my ….!

MEN SEEKING SANDBAGGERS

NSU, SACC, CT, SWE seeks 30 handicapper who will not, for crying out loud, boom 280 yard tee shots down the middle and stripe 5 irons to four feet, risking both of us getting our thumbs broken. Please, all I need is somebody that can putt like a heat seeking missile and take an occasional whiff to make it look legit. Former IRS agents who know how to hide Calcutta winnings preferred.

MEN SEEKING MEN

Do you like long walks on summer nights, candlelit dinners, soft music, and intimate conversation? Then please call my wife, so I can get the hell out of the house once in a while and play some golf! She is no NH, but she’s heading that way, if I can’t find someone willing to treat her like a lady.

I’ll pay all reasonable expenses for wining and dining. I will not pay hotel bills, unless they accept frequent flyer vouchers. Please respond by 3/15, as I won a free golf trip to Scotland, and it’s our damn anniversary, if you can imagine that luck!

Are you a good listener? Then a CT, NSU, SWE, IPR, and SACC is looking for you! I love endless prattle on barstools, in golf carts, at beverage carts, and while waiting to tee off, and talking about how far I’ve come in only 20 years of playing. Ability to keep your mouth shut and not interrupt while I’ m telling about how I broke 40 on the back nine at Queenstown (Lakes course) could net you this big (B,P,) tuna for a lifetime !

CLUB PROS SEEKING REALISTS

20’s (I’m serious, I’m actually 24) clean cut, hard working, sincere assistant pro at exclusive private club seeks anyone who can explain why so many B,P, and C’s, and KSSB DBB’s believe the title “assistant pro” is a synonym for “personal indentured servitude”.

Do you like long walks on summer nights, candlelit dinners, soft music, and intimate conversation? Then please call my wife...

I’ll store your bag, clean your clubs, shine your shoes, and listen attentively to your mindless babble about how your 96 (even with the mulligans, gimmes, and do-overs) is still some kind of Personal Best.

I’ll even wax your BMW’s, and beard for your girlfriends if I have to. But to stand there and have to tell you how much your hook grip, banana slice swing- path, and reverse pivot follow -through has improved in only 5 years defies human tolerance. Find another sport to fool yourselves with! Please!

WOMEN SEEKING WOMEN

Have you had enough of KSSB’s, B,P, and C’s, and all those other primates in spikes? I was once a YLB who became a SFGW, and is now a NH and damn proud of it! Join me for long weekends doing things normal human beings do like dining out, instead of wolfing down hot dogs and beer at the turn, and talking about issues that matter instead of how a 30 footer lipped out that would have saved a 7. Honestly!

Former SFGW who took up the game at husband’s urging, only to discover that I could beat him like a drum within 6 months, seeks any level golfer who still believes it is only a game and that to lose is no justification to turn into a SACC, SWE, NSU KSSB right before your very eyes.

SEEKING SENIORS

Do you know a pharmacist who will fill a Viagra prescription, no questions asked? Are you someone who can remember where the last conversation left off? Perform CPR? Still tell a 6 iron from a 9 iron? Remember what hole we’re on? Not need the pin tended from inside six feet? Still can drive home even after it gets dark? Then please call me! Let it ring about ten times so I’m sure it’s not just my ears again.

Possible long term relationship, as long as you don’t mind me not remembering your name, or what you look like, or who exactly you are when you show up at my door.